Day 3 and Self Love

I have always been blessed when it comes to libido and self love. I don't say that to brag, but as I've gotten older I've gotten to know my body more intimately. I've learned about what "zones" make me tick, and what areas are "no go" zones. I think it's important for everyone to learn what parts of their body they want touched and not.

Four years ago I was widowed at 38 years old. There's no segue to that sentence. It was sudden and unexpected. My life blew up in a singular moment of cardiac arrest and ever since then I've been on my own. When you're widowed people do all kinds of things in their (and your) stages of grief. In other words, grief makes people do funny things.

Some people turn to food. They cook, and cook, and cook like they are feeding an army of thousands. Food is love and this grieving person is trying desperately to feed the widow until their heart is soothed with every carb-laden, buttery bite. Then there is the "grief talker". This person somehow brings up the deceased individual in every conversation. You could be talking about sports but somehow the conversation turns to the deceased and all you (as the widow) can do is sigh.

From my own experiences, grief is like waves on the ocean. It comes and it goes. It took me a long time to adjust to the loss, the "first's" without him, and to figure out what I want in my future. Hell, I'm still figuring it out.

The first time I realized that I desired a man outside of my late husband I felt waves of guilt. I knew that he would want me to move on, but I still felt a little weird inside. I am a loyal person who loves commitment and here I was... actually craving another man. A friend. But even though I felt some weird feelings in the beginning, I decided to let go and let God. I decided to date and... fall in love again. I don't regret a moment of it. The relationship is more of a best friendship right now, but... it's peaceful and for that I'm thankful. Slow is good.

Last night I touched myself and gave in to climax. Initially it was relaxing and exactly why I did it. But then I felt my heart miss him. I felt my heart yearn for my best friend. I wanted to hear his voice so badly that it hurt. My late husband wasn't anywhere near my heart or brain. I wanted my best fucking friend. But... he's my best friend. It's not his job to patch up my heart or mind. It's not his job to satiate my every desire.

So in this new chapter I am learning to give self-love and self-soothing. I can love him.... be in love with him.... and he doesn't have to do that in return. I don't even have to tell him. (Hence why I'm penning it here). I can just... send my love out into the universe. I can hope that he is well. And for now, that will have to be enough.